Thursday, December 18, 2008

And We're Publishing Poetry, Too!

We just got this email!

Congratulations! AVQ will be publishing Air, Light, and Water in New York City and The Poet at Seventeen in our upcoming issue. Look for it Sunday, December 21st.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Letter to Publix

Dear Publix,


    While I appreciate the concept of the Express Lane, you are failing in execution. If this were Top Chef, I would tell you to pack your knives and go. I commend you for giving the retardos mentally challenged jobs, but I don't understand why you assign your dumber than Sarah Palin slowest employees to the express lane. I'd like to inform you that some people only buy ten essential items b/c they are in a rush. So while you may call it the Express Lane, assigning the retardos handicapable to those 2 lanes, and enforcing the ten items rule as much as the police in Amsterdam enforce the illegalities of certain drugs totally negates your efforts.

That's not all, Publix. I know times are tough but your produce lately has been atrocious. I have come home with garlic that has green shoots inside when chopped, have been unable to buy cut watermelon because it's all watery and mushy, and Vidalia onions that looked fine but when cut into had blue and green mold inside. I have also unwittingly bought sliced bread that had a crescent shaped cut through each and every piece that made it flap and flop around like something the blog Nazis my relatives who shall remain anonymous would call and yell at me if I wrote.

And is it too much to ask that you once in a while put steak on sale that isn't so old it remembers where it was when J.F.K was shot? Also, you should know that your prices are way higher than other grocery store chains, like Big Y, Stop & Shop, and Kroger's to name a few. Maybe you should send a team to do some reconnaissance at those stores.

You really need to enforce the no tipping policy you supposedly have for the baggers that insist on pushing my cart out. I cannot tell you how many times one of your baggers has grabbed my cart and practically ran with it out the door, then gave me a look like my dogs would if I had a pork chop on a string around my neck. I had no problem pushing my cart around the store did I? I don't see anyone running up and grabbing my cart while I am shopping, no matter how full it is. And now I have to tip these people or else they will just stand there with that face and stand behind my car so I can't pull out without hitting them. You've got to raise their hourly wages and/or or stop hiring convicted felons because even if they have to get run over, your rabid baggers are determined to get money out of people no matter how. I mean, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies shop! If I could afford it, I would be at Fresh Markup, but alas, it looks like we are stuck with each other for now.

On a lighter note, I quite enjoy your holiday commercials. They make me cry. But since you suck so much in every other way I wonder if that's because I'm pregnant *shudders* or hopefully just have The PMS. Please look at the envelope for my address in case you realize I totally deserve $$$$ and/or free groceries (including wine and beauty products) for the rest of my life for all the trauma you have caused my fragile soul.





Sunday, December 14, 2008

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chrismakkuh!

First of all, a good Chrismakkkuh Tree must be fake. Who wants to shlep home a dog piss magnet while scratching their nice car? Oh yeah! That's what my Goy husband is for! This year we, like a bride, have something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue on our Tree. I swear it wasn't planned – excluding the blue!

The tree, like an interfaith wedding I guess, blends traditions from each of our religions.


Blue Balls: A tribe tradition! Though it would be more fitting if they were broken. Ironically enough, I actually did break a blue ball yesterday, but failed to catch it on camera since I was a bit more concerned about glass in puppy paws.

My husbands letter to Santa:

And lots of ornaments representing things I just can't get enough of. Ever:

My babies like to sit under the tree:


And here's what I'll be getting this year for Hannukah:



I figured out the striky thingy all on my own! Happy Holidays!